The Joy of Adoption

5/20/2020

Adoption is a complicated and emotional process that initially can be extremely difficult. But ultimately, it can be beautiful and heartwarming.

By Kyndale Mitchell

Co-Editor-in-Chief

By the time she was 6 years old, senior Kendra Hyvarinen had been through six foster homes.

Kendra’s birth mom had problems abusing drugs and alcohol, so she and her siblings were placed in the foster care system. Kendra usually stayed about 2-3 months in each foster home, with the longest being about a year. Initially, she and her siblings all lived in the same foster home, but it ended up not working out, so then they were separated.

Life was difficult moving from one foster home to another, Kendra said. She described it as “always having a bag with your stuff in it.”

She said her brother gave her a stuffed bunny that helped her. She took it everywhere and she still has it to this day.

The couple who adopted Kendra when she was 7 were complete strangers, but Kendra soon began feeling close to the couple, whose names were Heather and Jim. The first time Kendra called Heather “mom,” Heather went upstairs crying because it was so emotional.

So then Kendra waited a couple of months before calling Heather “mom” again so she wouldn’t cry, but the second time she called her that, Heather still cried.

A lot of people take things for granted, like having a roof to sleep under, food to eat, and a school to attend. Most of us don’t even think about living with our birth parents.

Some people don’t have this opportunity. Some students get adopted. And some even have to live in an orphanage or multiple homes before that happens.

People get adopted for many reasons and from many different places around the world. Most reasons for adoption are to help put kids into a position where they can thrive because their birth parents aren’t able to take care of them.

Being adopted is much more than just living with another family. Adoption is a complicated and emotional process that initially can be extremely difficult. But ultimately, it can be beautiful and heartwarming.

Woodlynde has a large community of adopted students. About 15% of Upper School students are adopted, Assistant Head of Upper School Mrs. Shank said.

“… The literature shows that there is a higher incidence of learning issues among adopted students. Since our mission is to serve students with diverse learning needs in a supportive yet challenging environment, we are able to offer all of our students a place to learn and grow,” Mrs. Shank said.

She went on to add: “Woodlynde School is a warm and nurturing environment and our support for students goes beyond the academic level. If a student is struggling with concerns related to their adoption, we have often been able to help. When we don't feel we have the resources to do so, we are able to refer that student and/or their family to someone who can support them.”

She also said you can’t generalize about people who are adopted, “Because two cases of adoption could be hugely different.

“Like adopting an older kid that has experienced time in a foster home [is much different] than someone that was adopted as a baby. Some want to know more about their biological family and some don’t. And around this time in high school is when people think about that type of stuff more.”

Mrs. Shank also explained that there is a community with the people who are adopted here that connects some students to each other.

KENDRA HYVARINEN

Senior Kendra Hyvarinen was adopted at age 7. Born in Fort Wayne, Indiana, Kendra spent a lot of time in different foster homes and only remembers bits and pieces of living with her birth parents.

Kendra and her adopted family celebrate the day she got adopted. The event is called “Gotcha Day.”

Kendra said she knows her three sisters and they all are looking for their other two siblings. She sometimes keeps in contact with her biological mom, but Kendra says her biological mom is in and out of her life constantly.

Despite this, Kendra said she doesn’t treat her biological family any differently than her adopted one. She treats them as one big family because they are. She does admit when she was younger she didn’t think of her adopted parents as her proper family. She had some bad experiences in the past so it took some time for her to warm up to them completely.

“Without them I would probably still be in foster care,” Kendra said. “They have been through thick and thin with me, and no matter how hard life gets, I know that they are there for me.”

FROM GUATEMALA

Noah Kauderwood (10th grade), Ryan Duke (9th grade), and Lily Kleschick (10th grade) were all born in Guatemala, a small country located in Central America. All three were adopted at very young ages: Ryan right after he was born, Lily when she was 11 months old, and Noah when he was 15 months.

Lily spent time with a foster family as a baby, but she doesn’t remember any of it.

Noah lived with a Guatemalan foster mother until the adoption proceedings were completed. Noah has no memory of being told he was adopted. However, he said that he always knew. Having two dads, his family was different than traditional ones.

Ryan knew from the moment his parents got him that he was adopted. In fact, when he was four, he could point to Guatemala on a globe and say that’s where he came from. When he was two years old, he went to a reunion in Texas at the agency his adoptive parents had used to adopt him.

Ryan also had his name changed. He was born Jose David and it was changed to Ryan Farley. He and his mom share a middle name.

Because Lily, Noah, and Ryan all came to America at a young age, they didn’t have much of a transition from Guatemala. Like Ryan, Lily also had her name changed from what her birth parents had named her.

“I kind of miss my old name but at the same time I’m ok with my name now. I just wish that I kept some part of my old name” she said.

Since being adopted, Lily has returned to Guatemala four times with her mom, most recently in 2017. In addition to experiencing tourist attractions like volcanos, a zoo, hot springs and a zipline, Lily has stayed in a family home and volunteered at an orphanage. She went because she wanted to see where she was from, and her people and their culture.

“The experience was really interesting. It made me want to learn even more about my culture. And it made me feel more a part of my community,” said Lily, who plans to go again.

Ryan says that more than anything, he’s grateful for the opportunity he’s getting from being adopted, because he is in a better place for him to succeed.

Noah says that adoption lingers in his mind. He often thinks about how it cost money to adopt him, unlike some other people who have been adopted. And he dwells on the subject of being bought and what that means.

Lily feels curious about her birth parents and the culture she was born into. “You know you have a family you were born into but you’re not connected to. You’re more connected to this family that adopted you that’s your ‘True Family.’ But you are often curious about” where you came from.

CHERIE FUHRMANN-DARCIA

Freshman Cherie Fuhrmann-Darcia was born in England, but she lived in Sweden for most of her life. After her birth father passed away, she was adopted with her biological brother when she was 4 and her brother was 6.

It wasn’t the best life, she said. They weren’t all that well off and often moved, living in unpleasant spaces, and she didn’t attend kindergarten. After her birth dad passed away, she learned a lot from her brother, who was a father figure, even though he was only a couple years older than her.

After staying with their uncle and his two kids, whom they didn’t get along with, for about a month, they went to live with a lovely old couple in their home for about a year and a half while the adoption process took place. They called them Auntie Joan and Uncle David.

Auntie Joan and Uncle David took care of them for so long that Cherie thought of them as her parents. So the adoption process was very confusing for her.

An adoption worker named Sophie helped find them a good family to take them. Eventually, they found a match for Cherie and her brother.

At first, Cherie was terrified of them. The first time they met when Cherie was four, she hid behind a sofa. After a few weeks of hiding and spying on them, Cherie started to warm up to them by talking to them about what she likes and other information.

During the first month, Cherie spent time living with Auntie Joan and Uncle David for a week and then with her new parents, back and forth. After about a month, Cherie started sleeping over her adopted parents’ house every week.

Every year on the anniversary of the day she got adopted, Cherie and her parents go out to dinner with Gema (their first au-pair from Spain)to celebrate. They also send a letter to their birth mother, and she writes back. This is the only contact that they are allowed with their birth mother.

When asked what it’s like to be adopted, Cherie said, “I don’t mind it. But sometimes you wonder what it would be like if you didn’t get adopted… How would life be? Do they [her birth parents] think about you? Or what you mean to them?”

Cherie said there is a lot of thinking about “what if.” However, she tries not to let it get to her too much.

LAYLA THORNE

Freshman Layla Thorne was adopted from Russia. Layla has a brother 10 years older than she is. But they were separated when she was very young and she has no idea where he is. She lived in a baby home from the time she got out of the hospital until she was 2 years old.

Layla and her family celebrate the day they adopted her every year. She doesn’t remember being told she was adopted, but she said she always knew because she doesn’t look at all like her parents.

Layla said she didn’t think about her birth parents at all when she was younger. But she thinks about them now.

“It’s not like I can change anything,” she replied, when asked how she feels about being adopted. “I don’t really care about it.”

Mrs. Coghlan Adopted a Boy from Guatemala

By Kyndale Mitchell

Co-Editor-in-Chief

Middle and Upper School Math teacher Mrs. Coghlan also has an adopted son, named Mark Garcia Coghlan, along with her biological son, Kevin. When she and her husband decided they wanted to have another child, they decided to pursue adoption.

“I couldn’t put my finger on it, but my family just didn’t feel complete with one child,” Mrs. Coghlan said. “For us, going from having a biological child to having an adopted one, it wasn’t a challenging leap. That didn’t matter to us.”

All the paperwork they had to complete was very cumbersome. The adoption agency made them go through many background checks and clearances. But the adoption agency helped them through all the steps of adopting Mark.

The adoption for Mark happened faster than they expected.

“I will never forget the day I got the call… that there was this little boy in Guatemala that could be our son,” Mrs. Coghlan said. “Then they FedExed all the information and the pictures to us and I was just so happy.”

Mrs. Coghlan found out that they could adopt him two days after he was born. Mr. and Mrs. Coghlan traveled to Guatemala to complete the paperwork and take Mark home when he was 6 months old. She had the opportunity to meet his foster mother, which was “a great experience”.

The first time Mark asked about his birth parents, he was about 3 years old. He was watching the show Wonder Pets. There was a cat raising a bird, and Mark looked at Mrs. Coghlan and asked about his birth parents because he knew he didn’t look like Mr. and Mrs. Coghlan.

Mark also has a picture of his birth mother holding him right after birth that he keeps in his room. Mrs. Coghlan says that you should be comfortable acknowledging that another person gave birth to this child that you love and are raising.

When thinking about the differences between raising an adopted child and a biological child, Mrs. Coghlan said, “I think you have to decide some things early on: do you want them to look like you, do you mind if they’re the same race or not. And if you decide that it doesn’t matter, as we did with Mark … then I think you have a responsibility to the child to make sure you value the culture they came from and make it part of your family.”

Mark is from Guatemala, so the Coghlan family includes things that are Guatemalan in their household. They talk about Guatemala, celebrate Guatemalan independence day, eat Guatemalan food, and anything he asks them about, they talk about.

Mrs. Coghlan said Mark hasn’t shown strong interest in going back to visit Guatemala yet, but they always let him know that they would be happy to take him there.

To China and Back:

Mrs. Clemons’ Adoption Journey

By Kyndale Mitchell

Co-Editor-in-Chief

As we all know, being a parent isn’t easy. With all the sleepless nights and the money spent, it’s very difficult to raise a kid.

Adopting a child is even more work. However, it’s also a very rewarding feeling, just to provide a home for someone who might not have one without their help.

Head of School Mrs. Clemons adopted a 3 ½-year-old boy from China, which is older than most kids when they are adopted.

“To me, it always seemed like something I wanted to do,” Mrs. Clemons said, when asked why she adopted Grayson, who is now 12.

She felt this way even before she had Hayden, her biological son, who is a Woodlynde alum. Her husband's side of the family had many adopted children. Mrs. Clemons also said that she really liked the idea of giving a home to a child who might not have had one otherwise.

After a long wait, they got a referral from the adoption agency. The process of getting Grayson was really quick. They received an electronic file with all sorts of information about the child, along with pictures of him. Mrs. Clemons and her family had 24 hours to decide whether or not to adopt him. And then in a matter of weeks they were on a plane.

A TERRIBLE STORM

Even before meeting Grayson, Mrs. Clemons was excited to fly to China. But in the short time between when they got the notification that they could adopt Grayson to when they left to meet him, there was a terrible storm and landslides in the town that he was living in. In the news, there were stories of people who were injured and dying. It was really scary for Mrs. Clemons because she didn’t know what was going to happen.

It took about three days before they got confirmation that Grayson and the orphanage were fine. Mrs. Clemons said every day she looked at the pictures they got in Grayson’s profile and was excited to bring him home.

When it came to choosing a child, in the paperwork, Mrs. Clemons and her husband said they would take a special needs child. And then they got back a large group of special needs children and they had to choose what their family was comfortable dealing with. Mrs. Clemons and her husband decided that they were comfortable with anything that wasn’t life-threatening.

Grayson was born with a cleft palate, which is when your upper lip and the palate in your lip aren’t fully formed, and the lip is split in two. Grayson has had eight surgeries so far to fix his palate, jaw bone, and lip.

“If he was born in the United States, then it wouldn’t have been a big deal at all, but when you are born outside the country and without parents, it’s harder because he didn't have the right medical care to help him,” Mrs. Clemons said.

NO ENGLISH UNTIL AGE 4

In addition, Grayson didn’t speak English when he came to the United States, so he couldn’t really communicate until he was about 4.

“It felt a lot like getting to know a stranger at first because you don’t know everything they experienced,” Mrs. Clemons said.

But Mrs. Clemons said after getting through all that, it’s not that different from raising a child you gave birth to. “I don’t even remember when it happened, where you don’t even think about it anymore. But on a day in and day out basis, I forget that he’s adopted, because it just feels like he’s always been with us,” Mrs. Clemons said.

Most parents wait until their kids are at an age where they can understand the concept of adoption before telling their kids that they are adopted. But Mrs. Clemons said before Grayson could even understand them, they talked with him about being adopted.

They had a book that they got from his foster family before he came to America. The book had a picture of the foster home and his foster parents who took care of him. The Clemonses would go through the book with Grayson so that he had a smoother transition from living in China to being with his new family.

Sometimes Grayson would get in trouble, as most children do at times, and out of frustration he would say something along the lines of: “You don’t love me as much as you love Hayden.”

Mrs. Clemons says that she doesn’t worry about those kinds of remarks because she doesn’t really think Grayson means it.

Mrs. Clemons said that he doesn’t seem to be sad about being adopted or wanting to find his birth parents. He seems to be happy and grateful to be with his family and the situation he is in.

ATE AROUND 10 YOGURTS

When Grayson first came to America, he was really hungry. And it was clear from the day Mrs. Clemons got him that he wasn’t fed enough when he was little.

If they put a plate of food in front of him, he would immediately put his arm around the food, protecting it. Not only would he eat everything he could, Grayson would also take food.

When they were returning home with Grayson from China, they were in a hotel with a mini-fridge that was stocked with yogurt. And Mrs. Clemons wasn’t paying attention to Grayson for a few minutes. When she looked back to check on Grayson, he had eaten around 10 yogurts.

LOTS OF QUESTIONS

Grayson also asked lots of questions when he was younger about why his mother left him. Mrs. Clemons didn’t always have all the information to answer him. But she would say what she did know: that he was sick with his cleft palate, and his mom might not have had the best medical care, or couldn’t afford any treatment, and she had no other choice but to leave him in a hospital so he could get better.

And Mrs. Clemons said of his birth mother, “She loved you so much that she did the very best thing that she could do. Which is to put you in a place where she knows they could take care of you.”

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The Joy of Adoption

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